Thursday, March 20, 2008

Disapear-Bebo Norman

On a day like this, I want to crawl beneath a rock.

Press play to hear this song:

Wow. That's exactly how I felt last year. I don't now remember the exact details of what in particular happened but it had been a bad day...or series of days I'm sure that all blended together.

In the beginning of 2007 I had a 3-4 month old little G who wasn't yet sleeping through the night. A was going through her terrible twos at the time and we also were working on potty training. I was sleep deprived and hormonal, not looking forward to anything and having self-pity. I felt like my world was horrible, yet I knew in my head things weren't that bad in my life, I wasn't going through anything tragic or having to deal with anything out of the ordinary. But knowing that only made me feel worse and I beat myself up because I felt like I shouldn't be so down and that other people had more problems than I did.

I alluded to this time in my life during my MOPS talk last week. There was one day that I just walked out of the house after looking at Hubby and saying "I can't take it anymore!" I thought I might be going crazy. It may have been later that night or on some other night in this time that I sat down to my computer and looked through music files Hubby had put on there hoping to get cheered up. I'm sure I'd heard this song before, but it never touched me like it did that day.

I wanted to crawl under a rock! I wanted to get away from it all, to disappear! The noise, the commotion that never seemed to stop (crying, cleaning up potty accidents, diapers, waking in the middle of the night, whining 2 year old, etc). I related to wanting to run from the routine. I wanted to run away from the daily grind, it was definitely sucking the life out of me.

Then the chorus came on and I couldn't stop the tears from forming in my eyes. There was the answer! I wanted to run to Jesus and hide in him, to disappear. I wanted him to just hold me and get me through it all. In fact, it the only way I made it through that time. I had to rely on him to calm me and help me to just breathe.

The second verse is where I go from here. I am still so tired of my life being about me. I want to stop focusing on my own desires and pleasing myself. Even now as I listen to this song I realize how self-serving my life and my decisions are. My truest heart desires that Jesus be clear in my life. The more of him showing and the less of me showing the better.

Now when I hear this song I remember all that he has brought me through and am reminded that I still want for people to see Jesus when they look at me. It's encouraging because I can run to him and when I mess up during the day I have to remember to run back.